God's Faithfulness: The Story Behind My Daughter's Life: Part 3

This is the story behind my daughter's life. My testimony...

But please read part 1 and Part 2 first

So the Saturday I miscarried, my cramping was especially bad.  Usually I would cramp for awhile and it would go away, then maybe come back in a few hours, very inconsistent, but that Saturday, I had been cramping all day.  I was worried because I couldn't understand why I was cramping so badly, but it never crossed my mind that I would miscarry.  It was a Saturday, and though my husband usually works Saturdays, he was off that day. We went about our day, not really doing much, just another lazy day.

That evening my husband went to a church meeting and while he was out, I attempted to mop the kitchen floor but my cramping was getting bad so I had to stop.  By the time my husband came home from the meeting, my cramping had gotten worse that I decided to call my doctor.  I told her my symptoms and she told me that I was most likely miscarrying.  My heart sank!  Two minutes after I got off the phone with her I went to the bathroom and as I bent down, I felt a pinch; the same pinch that I had felt five years earlier when my water broke with my firstborn, and then I started bleeding out.  I wept like a baby!  I remember just crying to my husband, almost pleading with him, to save the baby.  I told him that I did not want to lose the baby and he looked at me with tears in his eyes, not knowing what to say.

So at the hospital they gave me an ultrasoud and confirmed that I had in fact miscarried ( though I didn't need an ultrasound to confirm it to me- I remember just being in the hospital bathroom trying to see if I could make out an arm, or a leg, something, just anything...but of course I couldn't).  The doctor also told me something of significance, that at the time, was just another hopeless word.  He told me that it looked like I was only measuring ten weeks instead of the thirteen that I was told I was.

So my husband and I left the hospital heartbroken, but we weren't hopeless.  There was something in us that gave us the strength to laugh in the midst of tears.  So we went home broken yet whole.  In the weeks and months that followed, my husband and I would understand the meaning of 'in sickness and in health'. I began having problems where my heart would start racing as though I were having a heart attack.  I could not walk for too long because my heart would start pounding and I became short of breath.  I didn't know what was wrong with me.  There were nights that I would make sure to tell my boys and my husband that I loved them, because I wasn't sure if I would make it through the night.  But my husband loved me and with prayer he nursed me back to health, but it was certainly a long road, and though I didn't know it or believed it at the time, I now believe that I was going through post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

On one of the nights, after coming back from the hospital, I laid in bed, crying, and I asked God why he had let me cancel and ultrasould that I had earlier in the week, knowing that I was going to miscarry and immediately he answered me and spoke to my heart and told me "because the baby had already died".  My response? a simple, "Oh".  Never having had a miscarriage of that "magnitude" before, I had assumed, that the day I bled out was the day the baby inside me died but the Lord confirmed that I was wrong, and the doctor confirmed it aslo, but I wouldn't put two and two together until my third miscarriage.